It’s been a while! ‘Zee, where have you been?! It’s been ages since your last post! I’ve been waiting!!!’ (In my daydream I’ve received hundreds of emails and letters from readers saying this, but really it’s just been a fair few). Firstly, let me apologise for my absence- I’ve been extremely busy entertaining family who have visited me from London and…well, busy being a mum (how ironic that I created a blog about motherhood that I don’t seem to have much time for at present because I’m busy being a mother).
Anyway, let’s get straight to it.
Do you ever feel like you love your child so much that your heart actually hurts? Do you ever feel like your child is crying so much that your head hurts? Or that you are so sleep deprived due to being a mum that your eyes hurt from intense stinging? Or if your mind drifts to dark thoughts, do you feel a painful sharp pain in your chest at the thought of any sort of harm coming to them? Does your heart hurt because of how much obsessive love you have for them?
Quite complicated, isn’t it?
I am going to write a love letter to my two little ones now, explaining just how much I love them. If there is still internet in 20 years time (you never know), I would love for them to be able to read this and see that I had more to say about them than just moan.
(Just as a reminder, DD is my almost-3-year old daughter and SS is my almost-1-year-old son)
Dear my SS and DD,
When I think of you both, I feel a mixture of emotions. Immense happiness, unfounded worry, overwhelming gratefulness, and most of all, deep, deep deep love. It’s not the type of love that you feel towards someone you care about, a friend, a relative, your dad or even me.
It’s so much more.
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all hearts and flowers. By the time you read this, you’ll probably have memories of me losing my temper with you, getting frustrated or just being too tired to play with you. I’m not perfect, that’s clear. But I do try my hardest to be perfect, for your sakes, because ultimately all I want is for you to both be happy. Because I love you. So very, very very much.
I still remember when you were both born.
With you, my DD, we both had no clue what we were doing; a gorgeous little newborn being looking after by an incompetent mother. That’s what it felt like anyway. You would cry and I would helplessly cry with you, not understanding what you wanted and feeling like crap about it. But then you would smile, and everything would be good in that moment.
With you, my SS, I felt more confident prior to giving birth to you, having had two years experience with DD. But once we met, my mind went blank. You were just so lovely, so unique, and I found myself feeling sad because I wanted to, and couldn’t, achieve the impossible- be superwoman, be calm, be perfect, for you. You helped me a lot though, being a pleasant little ball of cuteness that didn’t cry a lot and was quite cheerful most of the time.
I want you both to know how much you’ve changed my life for the better. You are a part of me, who am I without you except and empty shell? My life before you came along is just a dull, distant memory that I barely remember or ever want to experience again.
I love you DD when you smile at me shyly and stop whatever it is your doing when you catch me observing you closely.
I love you SS when you get excited when I smile at you from across the room, and you crawl/walk/stumble over to me so fast that you would think there is an actual emergency.
I love you DD when you go into doctor’s mode if you see that I’m unwell, and demand that lay down so you can check my heart beat, tell me to open my mouth for you to peer into, check my ears and then say ‘good girl, mummy!’
I love your persistence SS, the way when you attempt to do something like get an object and it’s out of your reach, rather than give up, you keep trying and continue to do so until I help you.
I love the fact that you copy everything I do DD. It’s evident that you observe me too, by the way you move your hands so theatrically when you speak (I’m very expressive with my hands), the way you talk and what you say (very bossy when you talk to SS, telling him ‘no, don’t do that, that’s not nice!’, just like me) and even the way you sit!
I love that I see traces of your dad already, my SS. You sit with a very serious expression on your face, not taking no for an answer and even showing signs of rebellious behaviour already!
I love how you react to praise, DD. Shy, as always, but pleased and eager for more, so you purposely do things that you know will impress me. If only you knew, your mere existence is enough to impress me.
I love your self-amazement at learning to walk, SS. Since achieving this milestone, you insist on walking everywhere, hands up in the air to maintain your balance, with a humongous, sloppy smile on your face. Your smile makes my heart melt.
I love that you both follow me everywhere.
I even love you both when you drive me crazy. Sometimes, when frustration and anger overwhelms me, if I stop and think (I rarely do when I’m in that state) ‘would you change things about them right now if you could?’ The answer is NO- because you. Are. Perfect. Just the way you are, and I’m sorry that I’ve lacked patience in the past.
The list of what I love about you both is endless, and even as I write all this, I still feel like I’m not doing this letter justice…Just know that at this moment, I love you both more than anything in the world, and I know that in this moment you love me, probably more than you’ll ever love me in the future, so I will treasure these lovely, sometimes crazy, sometimes frustrating, sometimes fun, sometimes tiring, but always unforgettable moments forever.
Right now I am your world, but by the time you read this, I’ll be a part of your world.
You may not answer my calls when you see my name flashing on your phones, but know that right now, in my today, if I gave you the opportunity to, you would talk to me all day.
You may sometimes have problems and want to talk to friends about it, but know that right now, in my today, you see me as the solver of every single issue you have.
You may sometimes want to be alone in your room, but know that right now, in my today, you never want to be separated from me, even by a toilet door.
I’ll end this letter here.
Love you both, to the moon and back.