The Ultimate Love Letter

It’s been a while! ‘Zee, where have you been?! It’s been ages since your last post! I’ve been waiting!!!’ (In my daydream I’ve received hundreds of emails and letters from readers saying this, but really it’s just been a fair few). Firstly, let me apologise for my absence- I’ve been extremely busy entertaining family who have visited me from London and…well, busy being a mum (how ironic that I created a blog about motherhood that I don’t seem to have much time for at present because I’m busy being a mother).

Anyway, let’s get straight to it.

Do you ever feel like you love your child so much that your heart actually hurts? Do you ever feel like your child is crying so much that your head hurts? Or that you are so sleep deprived due to being a mum that your eyes hurt from intense stinging? Or if your mind drifts to dark thoughts, do you feel a painful sharp pain in your chest at the thought of any sort of harm coming to them? Does your heart hurt because of how much obsessive love you have for them?

Quite complicated, isn’t it?

I am going to write a love letter to my two little ones now, explaining just how much I love them. If there is still internet in 20 years time (you never know), I would love for them to be able to read this and see that I had more to say about them than just moan.

(Just as a reminder, DD is my almost-3-year old daughter and SS is my almost-1-year-old son)


Dear my SS and DD,

When I think of you both, I feel a mixture of emotions. Immense happiness, unfounded worry, overwhelming gratefulness, and most of all, deep, deep deep love. It’s not the type of love that you feel towards someone you care about, a friend, a relative, your dad or even me.

It’s so much more.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all hearts and flowers. By the time you read this, you’ll probably have memories of me losing my temper with you, getting frustrated or just being too tired to play with you. I’m not perfect, that’s clear. But I do try my hardest to be perfect, for your sakes, because ultimately all I want is for you to both be happy. Because I love you. So very, very very much.

I still remember when you were both born.

With you, my DD, we both had no clue what we were doing; a gorgeous little newborn being looking after by an incompetent mother. That’s what it felt like anyway. You would cry and I would helplessly cry with you, not understanding what you wanted and feeling like crap about it. But then you would smile, and everything would be good in that moment.

With you, my SS, I felt more confident prior to giving birth to you, having had two years experience with DD. But once we met, my mind went blank. You were just so lovely, so unique, and I found myself feeling sad because I wanted to, and couldn’t, achieve the impossible- be superwoman, be calm, be perfect, for you. You helped me a lot though, being a pleasant little ball of cuteness that didn’t cry a lot and was quite cheerful most of the time.

I want you both to know how much you’ve changed my life for the better. You are a part of me, who am I without you except and empty shell? My life before you came along is just a dull, distant memory that I barely remember or ever want to experience again.

I love you DD when you smile at me shyly and stop whatever it is your doing when you catch me observing you closely.

I love you SS when you get excited when I smile at you from across the room, and you crawl/walk/stumble over to me so fast that you would think there is an actual emergency.

I love you DD when you go into doctor’s mode if you see that I’m unwell, and demand that lay down so you can check my heart beat, tell me to open my mouth for you to peer into, check my ears and then say ‘good girl, mummy!’

I love your persistence SS, the way when you attempt to do something like get an object and it’s out of your reach, rather than give up, you keep trying and continue to do so until I help you.

I love the fact that you copy everything I do DD. It’s evident that you observe me too, by the way you move your hands so theatrically when you speak (I’m very expressive with my hands), the way you talk and what you say (very bossy when you talk to SS, telling him ‘no, don’t do that, that’s not nice!’, just like me) and even the way you sit!

I love that I see traces of your dad already, my SS. You sit with a very serious expression on your face, not taking no for an answer and even showing signs of rebellious behaviour already!

I love how you react to praise, DD. Shy, as always, but pleased and eager for more, so you purposely do things that you know will impress me. If only you knew, your mere existence is enough to impress me.

I love your self-amazement at learning to walk, SS. Since achieving this milestone, you insist on walking everywhere, hands up in the air to maintain your balance, with a humongous, sloppy smile on your face. Your smile makes my heart melt.

I love that you both follow me everywhere.

I even love you both when you drive me crazy. Sometimes, when frustration and anger overwhelms me, if I stop and think (I rarely do when I’m in that state) ‘would you change things about them right now if you could?’ The answer is NO- because you. Are. Perfect. Just the way you are, and I’m sorry that I’ve lacked patience in the past.

The list of what I love about you both is endless, and even as I write all this, I still feel like I’m not doing this letter justice…Just know that at this moment, I love you both more than anything in the world, and I know that in this moment you love me, probably more than you’ll ever love me in the future, so I will treasure these lovely, sometimes crazy, sometimes frustrating, sometimes fun, sometimes tiring, but always unforgettable moments forever.

Right now I am your world, but by the time you read this, I’ll be a part of your world.

You may not answer my calls when you see my name flashing on your phones, but know that right now, in my today, if I gave you the opportunity to, you would talk to me all day.

You may sometimes have problems and want to talk to friends about it, but know that right now, in my today, you see me as the solver of every single issue you have.

You may sometimes want to be alone in your room, but know that right now, in my today, you never want to be separated from me, even by a toilet door.

I’ll end this letter here.

Love you both, to the moon and back.

Mama x


The Joys and The Woes of a Mother’s ‘Me’ Time

Let’s start this post with a short questionnaire that will categorise my readers.

(1) Are you a mother? (If ”yes”, move on to question 2)

(2) Does your baby/child sleep through the night? (Continue on to Question 3 if ‘yes’ or ‘no’)

(3) Are you tired? (‘Yes’ or ‘no’)

So we will categorise the readers into two: those of you who are tired and those of you who are not. You may have noticed this Questionnaire is flawed, my fellow Continue reading

Travelling with Children

I used to love plane rides. The whole experience, from preparing and packing for the trip and getting a nice hot drink at the airport whilst sophisticatedly waiting for my flight, to sitting on the plane and watching the latest movies or tucking into a good book, was amazing. Getting the window seat was the best, as watching the world get smaller and smaller until being high up in the clouds excited me. I even liked plane food (I’ve got this weird want for school dinner type food) and the little snacks provided by the generous staff.

Of course, when I was gifted with children things changed, Continue reading

My Clingy Toddler Clings To me Like Velcro!

There is a term known as a ‘velcro baby’. It can be defined as a small human who’s life’s purpose is to remain close to it’s Mother, unable to venture out into the wild: The ‘wild’ comes in different forms- within it’s home but a different room to Mother, or in a public gathering where mature humans meet or even places where Mothers bring their small humans to integrate with each other. The velcro baby sticks to it’s Mother, refusing to separate itself, going into an attack mode when another mature human tries to remove it. It leaves Mother feeling physically hot, bothered and frustrated and wishing her velcro baby would be a mature human sooner than later.

My DD used to have long phases of being a velcro baby Continue reading

Vacate from or Vote for Vaccinations?

Yes, I’ve done it. I have chosen to poke a topic that causes controversy all over the world, and one that is extremely divided in peoples’ opinions of it. I didn’t plan to. I thought ‘don’t touch this area, Zee. It’ll cause agression and volatility and little you, with your little blog, can’t handle it’. But then, I read a blog post by another mother discussing this subject (Click here to visit their fabulous blog 😊) and became tempted.  Two thoughts struck me. Number one: this is such an important topic, and this blog was created for me to talk about my thoughts, and vaccinations Continue reading

An Enjoyable Evening and An Excruciating Evening with Two Children (part two)

You request, I deliver. As many people contacted me after reading my post (read ‘A Fabulous Morning and A Terrible Morning with Two Children here), (oh how I wish you people would leave comments!), I am now going to describe my afternoons/evening with my two little sunshines. As with my mornings, the rest of my day can really go either way. Enjoyably enjoyable or excruciatingly excruciating (my alliteration skills are bombastic).

Let’s get stuck in.

An Enjoyable Afternoon/Evening

After having had a shower, Continue reading

Your Way Is Not The Right Way For Everyone.

There are so many different opinions circling around about what the right way is concerning looking after children. No two mothers do the exact same thing for everything. For example, one mother may choose to introduce solids to her child at 4 months, and another may choose to introduce it at 6 months. Or one mother may choose to use organic water wipes for nappy changing and the other may choose to use Johnsons wipes. We all have our own way of doing things and there is nothing that erks me more than mothers who assume their way should be everybody elses’. I’ve met a fair few Continue reading

A Fabulous Morning and a Terrible Morning with Two Children.

I remember after finding out I was pregnant with my SS, I felt a mixture of emotions. Excited, shocked (it was planned but I’ve always had this fear of ‘what if can’t have more?’- is it just me?), overwhelmingly happy and…scared. I’d heard that famous saying of ‘one is one, two is TWENTY’ so I was worried about how I would be able to cope. I asked everyone I knew who had 2+ children and recieved a mixture of responses. ”Oh, its SOOOO hard, you’ll lose your mind’‘ and ”as long as you have support, you’ll be ok, but it is very, very difficult’‘ or ”you’ll probably die”. This done nothing to calm my nerves, and only after speaking to one of my good friends (who has always been my favourite source for advice about my children), a mother of two boys, did I start to feel better. She said Continue reading

Mothers Guilt Part II

An overwhelming amount of people contacted me regarding my previous post (See ‘Mothers Guilt’ Part I) saying they related to what I had written. It feels good to know I’m not insane so thanks! Due to the responses I received, I thought it would be fitting to now speak again about this topic but from a different spectrum. Yes, often a mother’s guilt is due to her own insecurities and negative thoughts. However, it is also the simple comments, judgements and observations vocalised by other people (especially other mothers) that can cause a mother to feel uncertain about her performance as a parent. Rather than writing about my own personal experiences, I’ve spoken to some mothers  Continue reading

Mothers’ Guilt Part I

You know that feeling you get when you think about your child? It begins quite positive, with thoughts such as ‘they were so lovely today‘, or ‘I can’t believe they learned to do that all by themselves. So clever!‘ or even ‘they are really starting annoy me now‘. Then, very gradually, things turn dark as you allow your mind to wander further. Thoughts like this emerge: ‘they were lovely today and I shouldn’t have told them off for such and such, they didn’t really deserve that after behaving so well‘. Or ‘they learned that ALL BY THEMSELVES, where was I?’ Or ‘how could I be annoyed with them? They are so young! Did I make it obvious I felt that way towards them? I’m a monster 😔‘. And then all of this transpires into: ‘I AM A BAD MOTHER 😰‘, Continue reading